Bringing Passion Back Into Your Marriage

In This Post You’ll Learn:

  • Why sexual interest gets diminished or lost
  • 3 tips to physically help your body heal and open up to feeling sexy and playful again
  • The impact of hormones on your sex life
  • The proper way to do Kegels that will really make a difference to your lady bits

Ladies, today I want to talk about something that seems to be a prevailing fear among us regarding our sex lives as we grow older, and it is this:

Our sex lives will become non-existent during and after menopause. This is a MYTH! 

In fact, I would like it to be true that post-menopause we can even have more fulfilling intimacy and more satisfying sex life than ever before!

I’ve worked with thousands of women over the years, and I’ve had the privilege of listening to their stories. I understand the frustration many people feel over the loss of libido, loss of passion, the feelings of loneliness from lack of connection, and perhaps even guilt and shame for not wanting or being able to have sex.

I’ve heard women tell me, “I love my partner, but I just don’t feel like having sex. What’s wrong with me?” Women of all ages, in their 30s, 40s, and 50s+, who feel they’ve lost their “sexual spark” desperately want it back. Many suffer in silence, not knowing that there are solutions out there.

 After listening to all these stories here’s a little of what I’ve learned:

  • Reigniting your passion is a lot more nuanced than just doing any one thing.
  • Losing your libido and passion does not mean you no longer love each other.
  • Our bodies are changing, and many times what used to work just doesn’t cut it anymore.
  • Some women do not experience any change in libido and lubrication (lucky ladies).
  • Many women report being “good to go” once they get started.
  • Keeping the intimacy going is as important as having sex (and might even lead to more sex).
  • The women who persist in looking for a solution will find one.

Did you know that 94% of couples believe that sex is integral to marital health and happiness yet only 24% are actively working to improve and maintain their sex lives?

Symptoms that come with menopause like vaginal dryness and lack of libido are all too real, but it doesn’t have to be that way. I have dedicated a third of my life to doing research about sexual health.

And it is my calling to serve and share this knowledge.

I’m going to start by explaining what happens to our body near and after menopause that affects our libido and risks destroying our ability to enjoy sexual intimacy with our partner.

Hormones. Hormones? Hormones!

Yes! Most of all the changes we experience start with our hormones! I’ve mentioned this before and I’ll say it again, our main sex hormones are androgens (DHEA and testosterone), estrogen, and progesterone.

During the menopausal transition, falling levels of estrogen can reduce desire in women (among other things). Estrogen promotes the health of our reproductive organs and keeps the vagina moisturized and elastic. But it doesn’t do this alone. Progesterone, testosterone, and DHEA also help to keep things running smoothly. These hormones play important roles in our libido and sexual health.

They work together along with the neurotransmitters in our body to regulate cell activity and sexual function. Imbalances of our hormones(from whatever causes: hormone decline, stress, toxins, medications) can absolutely cause sexual dysfunction — not only physically but psychologically too. So that means your emotions and the ability to enjoy your relationships are affected as well.

Why Sex Takes A Back Seat

This hormonal decline also means a drop in blood supply to the vagina, which can affect vaginal lubrication, and make it dry and uncomfortable during sex. As you can see, this is not just an estrogen problem ladies! Our symptoms are due to the decline of all our sex hormones.

Along with dryness, we can experience other discomforts like urinary tract infections, incontinence, and even pain when wiping due to the thinness and sensitivity of the vulva and surrounding tissue.

And you know what all these things mean when it comes to your sex life — discomfort, difficulty in climaxing, and loss of pleasure so your relationship can easily slip into a sexual plateau.

And seriously, if you experience discomfort or even pain while doing something, why would you want to continue doing it? Right?

Kathy’s Journey

In fact, to drive my point home, I’d like to introduce you to a past client of mine, Kathy. Here’s what she had to say to me:

“I’m still sexually active. I’m having sex at least once a week, even at 71.”  — Kathy Weibel, 71

Kathy is an inspiration to me, and I hope when you hear her story, she will be an inspiration to you too. Kathy went through menopause in her early 50s and had vaginal dryness along with other menopausal symptoms. She was in a loving, sexually healthy relationship and wasn’t eager to see that die down.

During her medical consultations, she was first prescribed Provera, a non-bioidentical progestin, which is a common hormone used to replace lower levels of progesterone. However, Kathy had great concerns about being on hormones for a long time — especially since she was planning on staying sexually active. She didn’t want to spend the next 30 or 40 years taking hormones.

Desperate, she took Provera for a while, however, her initial concern of being on a hormone for too long led her to stop completely — good thing too because it’s synthetic progesterone and we don’t want that in our body!

Unfortunately, stopping her treatment also meant she was back to square one. Kathy started having some urinary tract infections. So she went back to her doctor.

This time around, her doctor prescribed Estriol — which is a safe estrogen typically used vaginally and is often prescribed for urinary tract health and vaginal dryness. However, estrogen-only works on the mucosal layer of the vagina but it doesn’t work down to the deeper muscular levels like DHEA or testosterone do when used on a vagina. Which is what you want for long-term healing.

While she used Estriol for a while fairly successfully, her former concern of being on a hormone was still on her mind. Again, Kathy chose to get off her prescriptions. However, she still desired intimacy with her partner, so she kept trying different solutions, with varying degrees of effectiveness. She was not completely happy with any of them.

I’m sharing Kathy’s story with you, to illustrate all that she had to go through to finally find a solution that worked. Her dedication to both her wellbeing, and her desire to keep the intimacy she shared with her husband has been inspirational to me, and many other women. So how did Kathy get her relationship, intimacy and sex life back? And more importantly, how can you?

I have 3 strong tips for you, including the solution that Kathy used, below.

Tip #1: Keep Those Pelvic Muscles Strong

As our testosterone and DHEA hormones decline, muscles do weaken, so a commitment to exercise is that much more important — especially Kegel or pelvic floor exercises. Pelvic floor exercises help strengthen your pelvic floor and vaginal muscles.

A strong pelvic floor can prevent incontinence and vaginal prolapse, as well as to heighten your sensitivity during sex. 

Daily Kegel exercise workout guidelines:

  • Contract your pelvic floor muscles on an exhale, and hold for 3-10 seconds at a time.
  • Repeat these contractions for up to 8-12 repetitions in a row for one full set.
  • Perform 3 sets of exercises throughout the day i.e. approximately 20-30 exercises in total.
  • Start by doing one set every day or three sets, three days a week.
  • If your pelvic floor muscles are weak, it can take 5-6 months of regular exercise to gain strength and control. Some women notice improvements even after a couple of weeks. And the best part? Age is no barrier to improving pelvic floor fitness.

Tip #2 — Start Nourishing Your Feminine Parts

We worry about the wrinkles around our eyes and mouth, and yet we don’t take the same care with our feminine parts — and we really need to!

To start taking better care of our delicate feminine parts, we want to nourish, restore and strengthen the tissues involved — we need them for the rest of our lives, not just to look good but also to work well. When our feminine bits are revitalized, it also makes a huge difference in our sex lives.

So how do you take care of things down there? Regular nourishing is key here — it is not something to consider only during intercourse.

So what are your options? There are plenty of moisturizers in the market that can help eliminate dryness and increase comfort during sex. But I like to focus on natural options because I know there are many lubricants out there that are full of chemicals that can do more harm than good.

My absolute favorite lubricant is coconut oil. It is one of the oldest natural lubricants that has been used by women for centuries. It contains healthy fatty acids and lauric acid which have antifungal and antibacterial properties to nourish and repair damaged cells.

In addition, I like to combine fractionated coconut oil (this is coconut oil which is liquid at room temperature) with aloe vera gel (aloe is great for soothing irritated tissues) and a few drops of one of my favorite essential oils, to make a fantastic moisturizing lubricant. You can use this mixture anytime, as well as part of your foreplay.


Tip #3 — Get Acquainted With DHEA

As I explained before, hormonal imbalance is usually the main culprit for most of the symptoms that are sabotaging the health of your beautiful lady parts as well as your sex life. So you need to start balancing the hormone levels in your body.

DHEA is a natural hormone that originates from the adrenal glands and also the ovaries for women and testes for men. It’s a precursor to testosterone and estrogen. As estrogen levels naturally decrease, DHEA becomes the remaining source of estrogens and androgens in your body — shouldering much of the responsibility for vaginal moisture, vaginal health, and libido.

Unfortunately, DHEA levels start decreasing by our 30s and we lose an average of 60% of it by menopause. The good news? For improved vaginal health, DHEA can be introduced and utilized by the body.

There is so much emerging research on the benefits of locally applied DHEA in treating vaginal dryness and pain during intercourse, improving libido and orgasms, and even improving issues with urinary leakage. Along with other physicians I have been prescribing DHEA for decades with many positive results, now vaginal DHEA suppositories are available by prescription in the form Intrarosa® .

Another way to use DHEA is in the form of a restorative cream for the vulva. This is why I formulated a cream that not only contains DHEA but other nourishing ingredients called Julva®, after years of research and working with thousands of women.

This is where we continue Kathy’s story. Kathy was willing to try almost anything her doctors prescribed, although nothing seemed to do the job at the level of effectiveness and safety that she wanted. That is until she found Dr. Cabeca’s DHEA.

Kathy, an early pioneer of my feminine cream Julva — started seeing results very quickly. And she loves it! And so does her husband.

Julva contains DHEA, plus other natural moisturizing and restorative ingredients including coconut oil, emu oil, and shea butter. I also made sure it is estrogen-free, non-GMO, paraben-free, phthalate-free, gluten-free and made using only natural, lush ingredients your body loves.

I would love for you to try it out and see if it helps you. Your free 7-day trial pack awaits below! Once you try it, please let me know if Julva has kept its promise of making sex with your partner enjoyable and pleasurable again.

But sex isn’t just about the physical. Sex is also emotional and mental. Or another way to put this would be, sex is both sexual and sensual. In fact, the largest sex organ is the brain! So I would argue that sex is more mental than physical!

In order to keep the fire burning — no matter your age and especially in a long-term relationship — you need to really know yourself, and your needs, and you need to be able to communicate this to your partner.


The intimacy of sex is about a lot more than the physical, this is why in this article, I feel it is important to focus on the intimate side of sex; communication and connection, self-awareness, and self-care. Again I’d like to remind you that just because your libido is gone doesn’t mean you don’t love each other. The fact that you are here, reading my article, wanting to reignite the fire, shows your commitment and care to yourself and to each other. So, kudos for taking these crucial steps.

For years I’ve been helping women heal their bodies, balance their hormones, and recapture that feeling of full aliveness – which leads to quite a “zesty” time in the bedroom! I want to help revitalize your sexy feminine body. Intimacy is an essential need and fuel for the body, and it should be entirely without guilt or shame. Your mate, I imagine, will wholeheartedly agree and support you!

As I said before, in my experience those who persist in looking for a solution, find one. So here are three ways to ignite passion, create a connection, and start feeling sexy again.

#1 Communicate And Connect

One of the biggest complaints I hear from my past patients and clients is that they feel disconnected from their partners. Proper communication and connection to one another is so underrated, especially since we live in a world that focuses so much on the physical and the shallow.

Movies and TV shows rely on a very black and white narrative of sexuality when in reality sexuality exists in the shades of grey. Women are either “sluts” or “prudes”. Men are always horny. These are blanket (and untrue) statements that prevent you from exploring your needs.

On top of that, we live in the world of smartphones, text messaging, quick swipes to the left or right, and instant images that disappear after a day, that give the illusion of connection but really just makes us feel even more disconnected.

Now add all this to the hormonal imbalance your body is going through possibly because of menopause, stress, or hormone disruption, it’s no wonder you might feel unheard, disconnected, and shut down. You want to spice up your romance and strengthen the bonds of intimacy with your partner, but… how?

#2 Practice Self Awareness

In order to communicate your needs to your partner, you must first know what your needs are. And for that to happen, you must know yourself. I’ve come to realize after working with thousands of women over the years, that some women have never thought of their own needs!

“I’ve spent so much time taking care of other people that I don’t even know myself!”

Doesn’t that sound crazy? Not so much. We have just been socialized to put other people’s needs ahead of our own. Some of us have been shamed for daring to think of what might bring us pleasure. Well I say, it’s time to stop all that, now!

What turns you on? What brings you pleasure? What unwinds, and relaxes you? What excites you? What makes you feel safe? If you can’t answer these questions with assurance, now is a great time to get to know yourself.

#3 Bolster Your Physiological Side

And finally, to tie all this together, we must practice self-care. We should know how our hormones work and how it’s affecting our body (I covered this in part 1, read about it here and how we can keep it balanced so we don’t go through wild mood swings.

At this point in our lives, we really need to get assertive about our own care.

  • Sleep well! If you suffer from night sweats from hot flashes, be sure you keep your room a cool 65 degrees °F (18 °C) and completely dark, or as dark as you can get it. 
  • Eat a healthy keto-alkaline® or keto-green® diet that will keep your mood elevated, your hormones balanced and your body in top shape.
  • Add some relevant supplements to your diet, like Vitamin E, C, and B
  • Find time to meditate, sit still and breathe
  • Take walks or hikes out in nature
  • Find time for your hobbies or pick up a hobby!
  • If you find yourself stretched thin, practice to say “No” sometimes. Stress can also do weird things to your libido
  • Keep your lady bits moisturized with my feminine cream Julva® with DHEA. Julva is estrogen-free, non-GMO, paraben-free, phthalate-free, gluten-free and made using only natural, lush ingredients your body loves. It also contains coconut oil, emu oil, and shea butter among other restorative ingredients. 

I leave you with some final words from Kathy, which was for women to focus on closeness, to be loving and affectionate, even if they aren’t in the mood or are worried about vaginal discomfort.

“Sometimes if you’re just close and loving and affectionate, maybe that desire will come back. I think if you can just keep the closeness. The one thing that husbands want to do is they want to please their wives. If you can make them feel like, maybe even if you’re not in the mood for sex, that you still want to be close to them, I think that’s really important. Still, touch them and be loving and all of that. Sometimes there’s nothing like a great back rub.”

    P.S. - Ready to banish PMS?

    Try out Zenful! I've formulated it specially to ease the most common symptoms of PMS and promote estrogen detoxification so you can feel like yourself all month long.

    Pick a bottle up HERE!

    Back to blog
    1 of 3
    Dr. Anna Cabeca

    Dr. Anna Cabeca

    Certified OB/GYN, Anti-Aging and Integrative Medicine expert and founder of The Girlfriend Doctor. During Dr. Anna’s health journey, she turned to research to create products to help thousands of women through menopause, hormones, and sexual health. She is the author of best-selling The Hormone Fix, and Keto-Green 16 and MenuPause.

    Learn more about my scientific advisory board.