In This Post You’ll Learn:
Here we are at part two of my two-part series on sex, menopause and busting the myth of the sexless marriage. In part one I shared Kathy Weibel’s journey to reignite her passion within herself and with her partner.
However, I focused more on the physical by sharing 3 tips to help your body heal and open up to feeling sexy and playful again. I explained why our libido wanes as we age and how hormones affect our passion. You can read the full article here.
But sex isn’t just about the physical. Sex is also emotional and mental. Or another way to put this would be, sex is both sexual and sensual. In fact, the largest sex organ is the brain! So I would argue that sex is more mental than physical!
In order to keep the fire burning — no matter your age and especially in a long-term relationship — you need to really know yourself, and your needs, and you need to be able to communicate this to your partner.
The intimacy of sex is about a lot more than the physical, this is why in this article, I feel it is important to focus on the intimate side of sex; communication and connection, self-awareness, and self-care.
Again I’d like to remind you that just because your libido is gone doesn’t mean you don’t love each other. The fact that you are here, reading my article, wanting to reignite the fire, shows your commitment and care to yourself and to each other. So, kudos for taking these crucial steps.
For years I’ve been helping women heal their bodies, balance their hormones, and recapture that feeling of full aliveness – which leads to quite a “zesty” time in the bedroom! I want to help revitalize your sexy feminine body. Intimacy is an essential need and fuel for the body, and it should be entirely without guilt or shame. Your mate, I imagine, will wholeheartedly agree and support you!
As I said before, in my experience those who persist in looking for a solution, find one. So here are three ways to ignite passion, create a connection, and start feeling sexy again.
One of the biggest complaints I hear from my past patients and clients is that they feel disconnected from their partners. Proper communication and connection to one another is so underrated, especially since we live in a world that focuses so much on the physical and the shallow.
Movies and TV shows rely on a very black and white narrative of sexuality when in reality sexuality exists in the shades of grey. Women are either “sluts” or “prudes”. Men are always horny. These are blanket (and untrue) statements that prevent you from exploring your needs.
On top of that, we live in the world of smartphones, text messaging, quick swipes to the left or right, and instant images that disappear after a day, that give the illusion of connection but really just makes us feel even more disconnected.
Now add all this to the hormonal imbalance your body is going through possibly because of menopause, stress, or hormone disruption, it’s no wonder you might feel unheard, disconnected, and shut down. You want to spice up your romance and strengthen the bonds of intimacy with your partner, but… how?
I’m sure we’ve all heard this before — we need to communicate with our partners. We need to express how we feel. We must be more assertive with our needs. This is all well and good, but it is also scary. Especially if we don’t come from a background of open communication.
In part 1 of this article I explained how decreasing levels of hormones in our body during menopause cause our libido to wane and makes us feel as if the “sexual spark” is gone!
I’ve had past patients and clients tell me,
These are all valid and natural feelings that come up as our body goes through menopausal changes. In fact, these things can happen at any age! So there is no reason to feel ashamed or guilty for having them.
The first step in this process is being willing to acknowledge what you’re going through. Step two is opening a conversation about your needs and your partner’s needs.
What might seem obvious to you about all the things that you’re going through, might not be obvious to your partner. I encourage you to listen to the two secrets that men and women need to know about each other in my webinar Help Doctor, My Sex Drive Has No Pulse!
I’m going to quote a past client of mine, Kathy Weibel (whose story we heard in Part 1):
“The one thing that husbands want to do is they want to please their wife.”And I agree with this. Your partner wants to help. Let them.
Here are some tips for clearer, calmer communication:
Deep level communication takes time, commitment, and patience. But when you both get to a space where you feel heard, seen and understood, it feels amazing! It really builds deep bonds and softens your heart. So I really urge you to find a communication style that works for both of you.
In order to communicate your needs to your partner, you must first know what your needs are. And for that to happen, you must know yourself. I’ve come to realize after working with thousands of women over the years, that some women have never thought of their own needs!
Doesn’t that sound crazy? Not so much. We have just been socialized to put other people’s needs ahead of our own. Some of us have been shamed for daring to think of what might bring us pleasure.
Well I say, it’s time to stop all that, now!
What turns you on? What brings you pleasure? What unwinds, and relaxes you? What excites you? What makes you feel safe? If you can’t answer these questions with assurance, now is a great time to get to know yourself.
A lot of times when tiny resentments build up, our body shuts down and that too contributes to the lack of libido. So ask yourself, “What do I need in order to feel loved?”
A great book to read on this is called, The 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman.
Here are a few ways you can practice self-awareness:
Practicing self-awareness is an ongoing process. Here’s the truth about awareness, it won’t always be easy but it will be worth it.
And finally, to tie all this together, we must practice self-care. We should know how our hormones work and how its affecting our body (I covered this in part 1, read about it here and how we can keep it balanced so we don’t go through wild mood swings.
At this point in our lives, we really need to get assertive with our own care.
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Outside of self-care, we should also practice couple care — as in putting effort into our relationship to ensure that both parties feel heard, seen and loved. Here are some tips I’ve gotten from my past patients and my clients.
Couple care tips:
Couple time is as important as “me” time, so don’t neglect either.
I talked about this in my last article but I thought it bears repeating what NOT to do if you find you’ve lost your sexual passion:
I am certain if you combine my tips from Part 1 and the tips from this article, with patience and commitment, your passion and spark will come roaring back. Don’t look at this time of your life as a sign that you can no longer do certain things or that your zest and sensuality are now things of the past. You absolutely can bring back the spark, reignite the fire and live a full, sexy, playful life.
Here is a quick summary of what I’ve written:
Ladies, today I want to talk about something that seems to be a prevailing fear among us regarding our sex lives as we grow older, and it is this: Our sex lives will become non-existent during and after menopause #MenopauseMYTH