Falling in love is the easy part. The chemical reaction in your body when you find someone to share your life with is fun, exciting, and adventurous. It’s staying in love that’s hard. Today, I’m joined by relationship expert, Arielle Ford, about how keep your relationships alive, thriving, and full of love.
Arielle has been in the relationship game for a long time and has researched and written so many books on the subject, including The Soulmate Secret and Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate. Her work has helped women across the world find love and connect with their husbands on a deeper, more understanding and emotional level. I actually met Arielle through JJ Virgin who met the love of her life following Arielle’s advice.
Being in a loving marriage herself, Arielle expresses that while she was in love with her husband, when they first got married she wished she knew more about how to make relationships work. There’s a lot more to it than just a feeling of love. She describes some of the 9 irreconcilable differences that most relationships face and how you can come up with creative solutions - not compromises - to get around them.
Statistically, one of the biggest causes of divorce is differences in opinion about how to spend money. Arielle shares a very personal story of the creative solution her and her husband came up with when they first got married and had different financial backgrounds. Open and honest communication is paramount in a relationship and so many issues can be reconciled just by talking about them.
We talk about the concept of women being pleasure puppies, which, essentially, means that women need to make self-care a priority in their everyday life. In the same vein, women need to be aware that we are responsible for our own happiness, not our husband's, though of course, when you’re working together as a well-oiled machine, mutual happiness will come much easier.
Arielle gives some helpful tips on how to use positive reinforcement with your husband to help get rid of any bad habits - that’s right, no more screaming matches!! It all comes down to making your husband feel like your hero.
Do you withhold sex from your husband out of punishment or just not being in the mood? How do you prioritize your husbands wants and needs and show him that you love him? What do you do to reignite a spark that’s maybe starting to go out in your relationship? Let me know in the comments.
In This Episode:
- What the 9 irreconcilable differences in most relationships are
- How coming up with creative solutions to your differences is the key to a lasting relationship
- What to do when you disagree about money in a marriage
- What to do when you’re starting to feel out of love with your partner
- Why you should have sex with your partner even when you’re not in the mood
- Why women need to become pleasure puppies
- How to make your husband feel like a hero
- What The Platinum Rule is
- How to have clarity on what kind of partner you want to manifest into your life
- Why you need to have S-E-X before a first date
- How to fast track or reignite a relationship spark
- Why it’s sometimes okay to go to bed angry
“So the truth is real, adult, mature, love is a behavior. It's a practice, it's a decision, it's a choice, it's an action, it's a way of being. And yes, you can be with your true soulmate, and have days or moments when you hate them. And that is also normal. It doesn't mean that you don't love them.” (11:33)
“[Understand] your husband isn't there to make you happy. But you can train them how to make you happy… It's called positive reinforcement. And for those of you who are thinking, “well, this is how you train dogs or dolphins.” Yes, yes, it's the same technique. But it works.” (16:08)
“And the reason for [your 2nd and 3rd divorce] isn't that you keep choosing the same person over and over again. The reason is you have not grown and changed. Because if you had grown and changed, you would be attracting a better partner.” (28:29)
Dr Anna Cabeca
Men and women are different, right? There's no discussion about that, for sure.
And relationships are challenging. It doesn't matter how much we start off loving someone. The chemistry of love is challenging to keep ignited over time.
And so in today's Couch Talk with my guest, Ariel Ford, author of Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate and Soulmate Secrets, is with us to share some of her pearls of wisdom as we navigate the field of romance and relationships.
So whether you're in a relationship now, or you're single and wanting to be in a relationship, or trying to figure out like how do I navigate these waters as I am, enjoy this episode.
I bring you Arielle Ford, who I've known for a few years now she's a speaker and an author and a relationship expert. Arielle is a loving relationship expert and the leading personality in the personal growth and contemporary spirituality movement.
For the past 25 years she's been living, teaching, and promoting consciousness through all forms of media. She is a speaker and producer and host of evolving wisdoms art of love series.
Her mission is to help people find love, keep love and most importantly, be love.
She is a gifted writer and the author of 11 books, including the international bestseller, The Soulmate Secret: Manifest the Love of Your Life With the Law of Attraction. She's also the author of Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate: Devoted to Exploring a Simple, Fun and Effective Way to Attain Groundbreaking Shifts in Perception So That You can Embrace and Find the Beauty and Perfection in Yourself and Your Mate.
So we'll be welcoming Arielle Ford, joining us in this episode of Couch Talk.
Arielle, it is great to have you with me here today.
Oh,thank you, Dr. Dr Anna Cabeca, you are looking stunning. As always.
Dr Anna Cabeca
Thank you. I'm in my purple room. I'm in my sanctuary right now. So it's just the romantic place to have a conversation about love.
I think you're right.
Dr Anna Cabeca
So welcome to our audience. I've introduced you and I really want to let everyone know how I kind of came across your work.
I really was introduced to you by my friend JJ Virgin. She has attributed her finding her mate to your work and your influence in her life.
And I came across - I read your book, Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate. And oh my gosh, I wish I had had that when I was married.
Yes, I wish I'd gotten it as a wedding gift myself because I had manifested my soulmate using the Law of Attraction, which I wrote about in my book The Soulmate Secret.
But then once I got married, I had this horrifying discovery that I had no partnership skills. I had no idea how to, you know, I had the soulmate, what do I do with them? How to, you know, how do men operate? And how to be a good partner?
So I put myself on this path to become a student of love. And I ended up doing over 200 hours of one-on-one interviews with the world’s leading love, marriage, and relationship experts. And then every time I would learn something new, I would road test it. And so the Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate book is the compilation of the world's best information on how to have a happy marriage.
Dr Anna Cabeca
It's a great read. It's one of those books that you can read again and again and get something new out of it.
Yes. And even though it's written for women, I've had men tell me that they got a lot out of it. And I actually had one man kiss my feet as a thank you for writing the book because it turned his marriage around.
So you know, if you're married or in a long term relationship, and you've got one foot out the door and you think it's over, you just can't take it anymore. I would beg you to read this book and give yourself six months just to take little baby steps and try the things in the book.
Because chances are, what's killing your world relationship is what you don't know about relationships. The knowing of which will A) it's easy, B) it's fun, and it will change everything.
Dr Anna Cabeca
Well, and who teaches us about relationships, right? A lot of us, we’re on a path, you know, we're on that hamster wheel. We're going fast, where we connect with someone, then we're both going fast together.
And then, where do we intertwine and learn these growth aspects?
Teach us what are some key growth aspects or relationship pearls that brought you into that harmony with your…
Yeah, and this also applies to single women who are dating, so everything I'm going to share. If you're not in the relationship of your dreams yet, we'll talk more about how to do that in a little bit.
This is stuff you need to know.
So the first thing you need to know is the most mind blowing stuff I learned.
And this came from Dr. John Gottman, who is a marriage researcher at the University of Washington. He’s been doing this for 50 years. And what he's discovered is that every single couple - every couple, not just some of them - all of them have a minimum of nine, irreconcilable differences.
Okay, these are things on which you're never, ever going to agree.
And I'll just give you the common ones and see if you have them:
- One’s a spender, one's a saver.
- One’s on time, one's always late.
- One’s a perfectionist, neat and clean freak, the other one’s a messy slob.
- One wants it hot, one wants a cold.
- One wants sex three times a day, one once at once a month.
This is common, but we don't know that. So we keep trying to change the other person. Or we live like something's wrong. Or we fight, bitch, moan, complain, when in fact, it's just normal.
So what you do in those situations is you come up with creative solutions. Not necessarily compromise, because in my compromise is a win-lose, and everybody loses something, but a creative solution.
And I'm going to give you a very personal example, from my life.
So when Brian and I got married, we were both earning good incomes, money wasn't an issue, we had plenty of money. When the issue came up - what the issue was, is the way he spent money. I grew up in a lower middle class, almost poor family, where there were screaming matches every day about the lack of money.
Brian grew up in a country club kind of lifestyle where his parents played golf all the time. And his mother taught him to only buy the best of everything. He grew up with money, and then he earned a lot of money, money was never an issue.
Now suddenly, we're together. And he's buying $2,000 Armani suits, and $75 bottles of wine, and I am freaking out because I have not dealt with the fact that I have poverty consciousness.
And suddenly I see that, you know, he's saying to me, “Why, what's the problem here? It's not like we don't have the money.” And I can't even name the problem. So finally, I tell him the truth about my childhood. I tell him how I came home from school and the water was turned off, or the car was repossessed, or, you know, all the clothes I ever owned, were hand me downs, and I'm embarrassed by all of this.
But I'm also very vulnerable with him.
And I explained to him, my greatest fear is that I'll end up homeless. So what we did, the creative solution we came up with was we created three bank accounts, there was his money, there was my money, and then there was our joint money.
And we didn't police each other on the individual accounts. And the agreement on the shared account was nobody spends more than $500 without consulting the other.
And what that does was it gave me the safety net, I needed, you know. A sense of control. He didn't have to worry about buying his $75 bottles of wine, you know.
And from him, I learned to appreciate the good things in life. And from me, he learned how to shop designer sales at 75% off!
And that's what worked for us. So that's what I mean by creative solutions.
Dr Anna Cabeca
I love that example, too. Because financial differences are usually a big problem, a big stressor.
Oh no, it’s the number one cause of divorce!
So I always tell single women, you know, you may think you're looking for a man who earns a certain amount of money. And I would say that's the wrong thing to look for. Because money comes and goes, what you're looking for is a man who is financially responsible. That's so much more important.
Dr Anna Cabeca
Yeah, that's so key.
With that, in talking about couples, and in a relationship, I want to talk about a couple stages.
One of the things that I've seen in my practice over time. and I’ve been in clinical medicine for nearly three decades. So I've seen some transition time periods over the years.
One of the top things that I talk about a lot is you know, when we're hitting our 30s, mid to late 30s, early 40s, we're starting with those hormonal changes, the declining progesterone, estrogen, and it can create a lot of, you know, a lot of symptoms adding to disconnect within relationships.
And that's often an age where I'll see women express dissatisfaction in the relationship, desire for divorce. And those are like, oftentimes, sometimes, symptoms of an underlying hormone physiological imbalance.
I jokingly say, but not so jokingly, if you only hate your husband, two weeks out of the month, it's your hormones, not your husband. Right?
Right. Right. Well, let's, let's go back just a little bit and start with a definition of love.
Okay, because part of it is, there's the, besides all the hormonal things, I’ll get to that in a second, is, people don't really understand what love is, they think that love is a feeling.
And, as you know, love, the state of being in love, which I call the socially acceptable form of insanity, is just a drug high. It's dopamine, and oxytocin, and adrenaline and other things I can't even pronounce, cascading through.
And it's the best drug high ever. And it doesn't last and then it's gone. And then you start thinking, Oh, well, maybe I don't love him anymore.
So the truth is real, adult, mature, love is a behavior. It's a practice, it's a decision, it's a choice, it's an action, it's a way of being. And yes, you can be with your true soulmate, and have days or moments when you hate them. And that is also normal. It doesn't mean that you don't love them.
So when you're looking to your feelings about whether or not you want to remain with your husband, that's not the place to look.
As long as there's no abuse, or bad behavior, or active addiction for which you need professional counseling. As long as that's not part of the mix. Chances are you just need to reframe what your commitment is.
Is this the person you're devoted to?
And are you willing to have their happiness as important to you as your own?
And most importantly, are you willing to have sex with them, especially when you don't feel like it?
You know, because if you're working and you have kids, and you have aging parents, and your premenopausal, post-, or whatever stage you're in, and the hormone nightmare, which it is a nightmare, you know, are you still willing to have sex?
And this is where good lubricant really comes in handy. Because just like riding a bike, when you get on the bike, and you start pedaling, and you're going, “Oh, this is so much fun. I remember how to do it.”
Sex is the same thing. But you have to be committed to it, in spite of how you're feeling. Does that makes sense?
Dr Anna Cabeca
Yeah, no, it makes sense. Absolutely.
That's a gluing reconnector in your relationship. So it does make sense.
Let's talk more about that. Because that's one thing that just comes up a lot.
So now what are steps to assess that commitment? And what are the next right step to reframe it for ourselves? Because you know, whether it's this relationship, an old relationship, or the next relationship, right, this situation has to be dealt with.
And so having the skills, teach me the skills, Arielle, I need the skills!
It's more of a mindset adjustment.
So the first thing we need to understand about men is that they can't be happy, unless you're happy.
Okay, so your happiness is your personal responsibility. You think if only they would do x, y, and z, then I would be happy. But that’s not true, you might be happier if they did it, but they can't control your happiness.
So taking care of yourself means taking care of your stress levels, which means managing your oxytocin tank.
And one of the things I like to teach women is to become a pleasure puppy. Because as you know, when your oxytocin tank is full, you can mitigate stress better.
And for women, the fastest way to rebuild oxytocin is through pleasure. So yes, sex is pleasurable. That's one way, but not always convenient.
What else can you do? Get your hair done, get a manicure, get a pedicure, get a foot rub, go have drinks with your girlfriends, do an act of service, go dancing, play with your cat or your dog, take an aromatherapy bath. All of those things rebuild oxytocin.
So I tell women, when you make your to-do list for the day, the number one item on every day should be “how will I add pleasure today?”
And so the thing about pleasure is it has to be novel. So if you do a yoga class every day, that doesn't count. That's an excellent habit. But it doesn't count. If you eat chocolate every day, that doesn't count.
But do something that's different. You can even go shopping, and you don't have to buy anything. Just the act of touching, feeling, looking, will build oxytocin. And if you can't go to the mall, get online. Sometimes I'll go to NeimanMarcus.com and I will fill up my cart. But I'll never check out. Just the act of like looking and saying, “Oh, I'd like to have that!” brings me pleasure.
So figure out what brings you pleasure, and then do it every day.
On the days when I'm super busy, what I'll do is I'll get out my playlist. And I'll listen to Andrea Bocelli sing the prayer for for four minutes. And suddenly, I'm in a new place, and I'm filled with pleasure, you know.
So that's a really important thing to do.
So, understanding your husband isn't there to make you happy. But you can train them how to make you happy. And here's how you train him.
You don't do it by whining, b*tching, moaning, complaining, begging, shaming, yelling... none of that works. What you want to do is when he does something that is the right thing, you want to walk over to him, wrap your arms around, and whisper in his ear, “you are my hero. You were like the greatest husband ever. Thank you so much for doing x, y, z, because it's making me feel a-b-c. I love you.” And then walk away.
It's called positive reinforcement.
And for those of you who are thinking, “well, this is how you train dogs or dolphins.” Yes, yes, it's the same technique.
But it works.
Men just want to be your hero. They want to hear every day that they mean something to you, that they're improving your life. One word to use all the time, which really works is “brilliant”. “Oh, my gosh, that was a brilliant idea. Thank you for sharing it with me.”
If you need them to help you with something, all you need to say is, “I need your opinion on something. You know, could you do x?” Not would. You don't want to use the word “would,” you want to say “could” you.
Because the answer is always yes, of course you could. But if you ask, would you, they could say no.
So you could just say to him, you know, “you're so brilliant at fixing blah, blah, blah, could youm when you have time, take a look at…” whatever it is.
So you want to be respectful of their time, there was a study done, and maybe you've learned this in school at some point, they surveyed 78,000 men. 78,000. And what they discovered, the majority wanted respect more than sex.
So you need to be respectful.
So if you're being a b*tch and you're whining and screeching and yelling, you're not going to get anywhere. So when you need them to do something, you want to use the sweetest tone of voice. You want to first ask, “do you have a few minutes sometime today, I have a problem I need your help with?” And then you just say to him, “I'm struggling with whatever it is. Do you think you could help me with this?”
You don't tell them what to do you let them come up with the idea? “Oh, that's a brilliant idea. Yeah, I think that will work.” You know, and if you've just become, you know, sweet and loving, they will follow suit.
Dr Anna Cabeca
I mean, that says a lot right there is display the behavior you want displayed towards you as well.
And recognizing men and women are different, right? We're on cue for different things.
You know, the other thing to know is we were brought up with the golden rule, right? “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” That's good.
And there's a better rule that I learned from my friend, Susan Bratton. And it's called The Platinum Rule. And The Platinum Rule is “do unto others as they want to be done unto.”
And the love languages speaks exactly to this. So if you're somebody who knows that your husband would rather have an active touch, as opposed to receiving a gift, as a way to show your love, then give them the touch that he wants. And vice versa.
So I really believe in The Platinum Rule in relationships.
Dr Anna Cabeca
I think that's great. So do unto others as they want to be done onto. Like, what is their words of a appreciation? You know, what are shows them appreciation? Words, time, gifts, you know…
Acts of service.
Dr Anna Cabeca
I like that.
So in relationships, if women are listening now, and they've been in a conflicted relationship. They’re, you know, married, they're conflicted, maybe they're talking, maybe they're not talking, they're talking not well, or not talking at all. And they're really struggling in this relationship.
What are the steps to kind of bridge that sense? Like, look, I don't even feel like talking to him.
Actually, in Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate, I actually provide scripts on how to have the difficult conversations.
But the first thing you need to do is, if you're in a confrontation, or things are heating up, the first thing you need to do is take a timeout. Okay? You need to just say, “you know what, I don't want this to escalate to someplace really ugly, I need 15 minutes, I need a half hour.”
Whatever. Go get yourself into a place of neutrality, whatever it is you need to do, really look and see, why am I triggered? Why am I upset? What happened here?
And then, you know, if you have a tool kit, use it. So I have a tool kit.
So in that instance, I would use EFT tapping, which I think everybody needs to learn how to do. It's a very simple self talk technique that where you're tapping on different meridian points, you can go on YouTube and learn it in five minutes, it's really easy.
And then get yourself to a place of neutrality, and then walk in and sit face to face with your partner, knee to knee. Don't have your phone anywhere nearby, no distractions, and just say, “you know, is this a good time to talk?”
And, you know, and then talk from a place of I statements? “Well, I'm really sorry, we're having the struggle. And I'm really feeling A, B and C, I'm really committed to getting to resolution so we can be happy.”
And do it in a really vulnerable, sweet place.
And if you can't get there, this is why God created therapists, okay. There are people with PhDs after their names who are counseling psychologists who excel and couple minutes. Brock and Michelle Obama have done it, so can you, okay?
Sometimes we need help. If I broke my leg, I could, like, put my hands over it and try and do Reiki and pray to all the gods and goddesses. Or I could do the smart thing and go to the ER and get get it set and get it fixed. You know, so be smart about it.
Dr Anna Cabeca
Yeah, and I think that's exactly a good point. Like, what's in your tool kit?
First pause right step back. And I heard Laura Berman say one time you know, when she's in this situation with her husband, she just like will change her energy, shift your energy, get into coherence, step back, get into coherence, that peaceful loving, respectful place, and then initiate, re-initiate the conversation when the energy…
Right, there's a couple other things to think about.
So one of them is your husband did not wake up this morning thinking, “how can I drive her crazy today?” Okay, nobody does that.
But we react and we respond as if they're doing it on purpose.
You know, and then the other thing to ask yourself, regardless of what they're doing, is, “is this a reason not to love them?” You know, try and get yourself into the same place, because conflicts are never going away.
Harpo Hendrix says, “the true purpose of soulmate marriage is to create a safe container so that our all our childhood wounds and issues can surface and be healed.”
You know, so it's never going to end. Whatever your core wound is, you can do all the therapy and processes in the world and you will get better at it. And it will lessen and you will be able to have, you know, management over it most of the time, and it's coming back. It's never going away.
So if you have abandonment issues, whatever it is, you have to heal that and know that your relationship is the safe place for you to heal together.
Dr Anna Cabeca
Yeah, I love that. Well said. And that’s in relationship.
Now let's shift and talk about singles. And finding that true man. Like whatever you did for JJ, you know, we want that.
But let me tell you what JJ did.
Because JJ, first of all, JJ’s one of the smartest women I know. And she knows how to follow directions. And in my book, The Soulmate Secret, there are step by step directions. And that was written 10 years ago.
I now have a new course the 12 week course called The Love Codes, where, not only do we tell you how to manifest them, but how to handle them and where to find them. Where to find them!
So what you want to do is, first and foremost, you need to have clarity, on what kind of human being you want to spend the rest of your life with.
Okay, so this isn't a shopping list of height, weight, income level, color of their eyes, because what you need is someone that your soul is calling for. Somebody who can contribute to your long term happiness.
So that's the first thing you want to do.
The second thing you want to do is, you know, be visible.
The steps that you need to do to manifest a soulmate are easy and fun. And they begin with clarity. You need to have clarity on what your soul is most calling for in a lifelong partner.
And so this has nothing to do with height, weight, income level, color of their eyes, none of that, but really the heart traits and qualities.
So every great marriage, every great long-term, healthy, happy marriage has several factors in it.
One is connection, compatibility, good communication, which can be learned. And chemistry, of course, but chemistry sort of the least important, because that will come and go.
The most important is a shared vision for the future.
So if you know that you absolutely want to have children, and you want to live near the beach, and you don't ever want to move out of state, that's critical to know. If none of those things are important, then they're not.
But a shared vision for the future is a deciding factor. And everybody you meet that you may have a lot of great feelings for doesn't necessarily mean that they're going to be a good life partner.
So one of the things that I help people do is really discover how to sort the people that you're meeting, and how to make good choices, and how to know how to select a lifelong partner.
And we've got this great free 75 minute webinar coming up for single women only. And you can sign up for it. It's soulmate33.com.
But some of the things we're going to talk about on that call is how to let go of your limiting beliefs about love, how to achieve clarity, ways to consciously and quickly up your love frequency, okay, so that you're in this mode, where you're energetically calling in love and attracting love.
I'm going to teach you the super skills of dating, okay? Now, one of the brilliant things JJ Virgin did was she put herself on match.com. And that's where Tim found her. You know, so there's all this talk out there. “Online dating doesn't work or didn't work for me.” That's just a big fat lie. Because when you know how to work online dating, which we're going to teach you, it absolutely does work.
Almost half of marriages are starting online these days. And here's something you probably don't know. The marriages that begin online, have the lowest divorce rates.
That's what's so fascinating. And why is that? Because people who are online dating seriously looking to get married are mature, and they thought through what they need and what they want, and they've sorted through. So they're more committed. I think it's absolutely brilliant.
Dr Anna Cabeca
And I think I heard numbers in the low like 13%, you know, of divorce or lower. I mean, it's a really low enough there to the population 50%.
Yes, so here's what most people don't know about divorce. So we do know that 50% of first marriages end in divorce, that's a common statistic. And it's still accurate.
What most people don't know is that 62% of second marriages, and 73% of third marriages end in divorce.
And the reason for this isn't that you keep choosing the same person over and over again. The reason is you have not grown and changed. Because if you had grown and changed, you would be attracting a better partner.
So for those of you who have one toe out the door and are thinking this isn’t it, I'm going to urge you again, read Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate, and there are free chapters available at soulmatesecret.com, just diverting here, that you can look and see, because it it will change your life.
Now there's one fun thing I want to tell you.
For those of you that are married, and the chemistry is at an all time low, here's a way to spike it. And singles you can do this also, if you want to fast track the connection.
I want you to sit down with your partner, and talk about something that scares both of you to death. Whether it's jumping out of a plane, bungee jumping, whitewater river rafting, going on a roller coaster, but find something that both of you are petrified to do and then go and do it together.
And the reason for this, is when you have a shared near death experience, adrenaline rush, it releases all the same chemicals in your brain is when you had the sense of falling in love. And it is deeply bonding or re-bonding.
Now the one thing I want to say to singles is if you do that with somebody who don't know well, you will become bonded to them. And you will start to make stupid choices and decisions. Because you don't know them.
Dr Anna Cabeca
Just like sex, right? Absolutely.
Yeah, I tell women all the time. If you're not in a committed relationship and you have sex with some guy, you're going to end up getting bonded to the wrong guy and then you're not going to be available for when your real soulmate shows up.
Dr Anna Cabeca
That's so key and again, making justifications rationalizations going off your list of “Okay, I wanted a you know, a to z” and that we're at.
Yeah, one of the things I teach single women to do is to have sex before the first date, sex before the first date.
And I know that sounds very counterintuitive, but here's what I mean by that.
So the S is to have self-pleasure. To have sex with yourself before you go out on the date.
The E is to eat. Do not go out on a date hungry, on an empty stomach, you could end up having a couple of drinks and then doing something really stupid, like having sex on the first day.
And the X is to never discuss your ex on the first date.
S-E-X, okay, self-pleasure, eat, no talking about the ex. That's sex before the first date.
Dr Anna Cabeca
I love it. I love it Arielle. Alright, so soulmate33.com. And we've gotten a lot of good tips today.
And it's always like, you know, I think when I talk to you, I'm like, I'm in therapy. I love it. So I always get some great pearls, anything. It's really important, you know, and at that time, my life with busy business and raising children and horse shows, and that's been my primary focus.
But I reflect back when it comes time for me to choose, to search for, look for, being a partnership, I'm like I'm doing whatever Arielle says! I have all these tools that I didn't have in my marriage, you know, and that's critical. I didn't have these tools in my marriage.
Well, they don't teach us this stuff. It's so silly.
Because it is simple. But you know, certainly our parents didn't model that behavior. You know. So it's, for the most part, it's not anybody's fault. It's just that now that the information’s there use it.
Dr Anna Cabeca
Yes, yeah, absolutely. And it reminds me we talk about our parents, my mom and dad are married 35 years, my mom passed away prematurely. We had a lot of struggle, financial, certainly was one of them.
But I asked my father, you know, he just passed away at 91. So a couple years before he passed away, I asked so what’s in your relationship? You know, like, what were what were some because at the end of their lives right after, I think after the 20 year point, they became the best friends, best partners. I mean mom and dad, it was like, wow, I said “what shifted? What did you do differently?” He goes “first thing, Dr Anna Cabeca, try to understand each other, try to understand each other. And the second is never go to bed angry.”
See, I disagree with that. And here's why. Because if it's really late. And you're really upset, you can't really have a coherent conversation.
So I think sometimes going to bed angry, getting a good night's sleep, you know, and then waking up in the morning, like, if I were to wake up, let's say Brian and I had a fight. And then I woke up in the morning, rather than try to start the fight, I would just say to him, “Hey, honey to 10 minutes sometime today, when you can talk to me, I have a problem, and I need your help with it.” And he give me 10 minutes.
And then I would just you know, let's say we're going for a walk, I would just say to him, “you know, when we were at the party last night?” No, first, I would start by saying “I know how much you love me. And I know that you would never ever purposely say or do anything to hurt me. And last night, when we were at the party, you said ABC to Joe and it really made me feel XYZ.” And then I stop talking. Not another word comes out of my mouth. Because 99.9% of the time he's going to say, “Oh my god, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to, I'll never do it again. Please forgive me.”
You know, but at midnight when I'm pissed. And I'm tired, and he's tired. And maybe we've had a few drinks. That is not the time to have a fight.
That's my belief about it.
Dr Anna Cabeca
I mean, that's a good point, too. So you can go to bed together and be angry. That's the challenge too.
Dr Anna Cabeca
Yeah, yeah. Now I may have a harder time falling asleep. Because Brian, like most men, can fall asleep anywhere at any time. But you know, it's better than trying to have a conversation when I know that, you know, he gets tired early. I gotta let them sleep. And then in the morning, you know, is all hard again.
Dr Anna Cabeca
Yeah, there you go. And that again, we're when we're more rested when we've had a good night's sleep. We're coming from a full tank a place of a, you know, a place of peace groundedness versus on edge. Like you said, you know, maybe post a couple drinks. Not really don't want to apologize for anything you said later.
Yeah, thank you. Alright, so where where do people go to get more Arielle?
Well, there's a couple places.
So my main website is soulmatesecret.com and I've got free chapters on there, Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate.
I also have a tab called “Free Stuff,” which has tons and tons of free stuff on it.
And then for the single ladies who would like to learn everything they need to know to manifest the love of their life. Go to soulmate33.com.
Dr Anna Cabeca
Perfect. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. All right, Arielle. Well, it is a pleasure as always to talk with you. And I'm going to pull out my copy again, Turn Your Mate Into Your Soulmate. That's one of the books on my bookshelf and I look, and I just need to reread it again. Just get those pearls down there.
Get those tools in my tool kit right now. Doctor’s bag? It's got tons of tools in it. Relationship bag, not so many tools. I’m working on that, thanks to you. I appreciate you and thanks for sharing your time with us today.
Dr Anna Cabeca
I want to thank you all for being with me and Arielle Ford in this episode talking about our soulmate turning your mate into your soulmate, as well as understanding a little bit more about the differences and irreconcilable differences that we have in our relationships.
So I encourage you to leave some comments. Let me know what you need to hear more of.
And be sure to share this episode with your friends, with your family, and write down what you loved about this.
I know I took a bunch of notes and so what's my next right step?
Don't forget she's given us the webinar at soulmate33.com to listen to an invitation to her events that are coming up. Enjoy that.
Please rate us on iTunes or podcast addict or Stitcher wherever you're listening to this podcast. Thank you and I'll see you next week with another great episode of Couch Talk.