True or False?
To all of these, I say…100% FALSE.
Yikes…my opinion is that any couple can have more fulfilling intimacy and a satisfying sex life – at any age (even after menopause) …
It is so typical, however, that couples spend more time working on home improvement projects, updating all of their social media accounts or perfecting their golf game versus working on maintaining or improving their own sex lives!
Maybe YOU are “explaining” your sexless marriage or stalled relationship away by telling yourself…
“Maybe it’s because…”
If any of these sounds like your self-talk, it’s time to do something about it. It isn’t difficult, it is just like any HABIT…you need to break the bad ones, and start a few NEW, healthier ones.
So here are THREE steps that will help you get out of the “roommate” mode and back sharing intimacy and connecting as soulmates once more:
Feeling more like roommates these days? It likely isn’t a lack of desire on either of your parts (and it really isn’t the new television season line-up). In more cases than not, your lack of intimacy and connectedness is a result of diminishing sex hormones that you are both probably experiencing; as well as how that hormone imbalance makes you both feel, physically and emotionally.
Falling levels of estrogen can reduce desire in women and can affect vaginal lubrication, making our “V” feel dry and uncomfortable during sex. Who wants to have sex if it hurts?
Don’t forget that men suffer from testosterone decline and other hormone imbalances as they age, too…causing erectile problems, fatigue and libido decline.
Depleted testosterone is also a female issue; along with naturally diminishing DHEA hormone levels, both contribute to a woman’s loss of libido as well as affecting vaginal muscle and tissue integrity.
All of this hormonal change can cause many other discomforts and humiliations (nothing sexy about vaginal odors and discharges, urinary tract infections or accidental urinary leakage…did you know that today almost 70% of women use period-specific products for leakage purposes??? This is unfathomable!).
In my Eve Quiz (a survey of thousands of women talking about their sexual health)
▪70% of women said they had issues with arousal.
▪64% of women had troublesome vaginal or vulvar dryness.
▪62% of womennoted some discomfort during or after sex.
▪70% of women said they had experienced urinary leakage when coughing, sneezing and the like.
But YOU can choose to improve upon these symptoms and achieve satisfying and pain-free sex.
Here are a few simple things you can easily start today to focus on the physical barriers to enjoying your partner:
Addressing physical symptoms can help you feel sexier and will naturally lead to more desire. Helping your partner balance his hormones is helpful as well. But we also need to focus on what’s going on in our (and our partner’s) mind…that is often even more of an impact than physical barriers!
Some of the common emotional concerns that I hear from women are:
It’s no wonder a high number of women never climax, and many don’t climax during intercourse. And important for our partners to know and understand, many women do not experience vaginal types of orgasms (as defined by Masters and Johnson) but instead require clitoral stimulation.
The last statistic I saw about this was that about 10-15% of women never experience climax, with about 25% of women not experiencing climax during intercourse. And that is based on what women admit to! Previously in my medical practice – and now with many clients – I hear from many women, especially as they age, that they have just given up on their own sexual enjoyment. While they may still have occasional sex, they do it for their partner, versus to achieve pleasure themselves. In my newly relaunched program, Sexual CPR, I talk about this and give you guides and secrets to connecting with your partner. Download the free ebook, Arousal Secrets here.
This is telling, in my opinion. I think women find it difficult to focus on themselves, their own needs. I’ve had many women tell me they fake orgasms so that their partners feel like they’ve performed well. So think about that for a moment. If our partner is doing something that isn’t working, yet we fake an orgasm, doesn’t that simply reinforce what our partner was doing?
I also think that most women need an emotional piece to enjoy sex, the intimacy…versus just the physical act. So women need much more out of “sex” than what they may get –unless they ask. Many women I’ve worked with have told me that they feel like if they have to ask that there is something wrong with them! Or if vaginal sex doesn’t do it for them, there must be something wrong with them!
So many never ask for something different (nor do they always know specifically what they WOULD ask for, anyway!).
That’s why I always say…
Sexy self-discovery versus negative self-talk is required at this time!
I have found there are many emotional inhibitors to enjoying sex, everything from religious views to having kids in the house…to not trusting your partner…to feeling fat and undesirable… while I can’t cover addressing all of these emotional barriers here I can provide you a few tips.
What’s happening in the perfect scene? Your answer may surprise you and your partner!
Women really need to communicate that intimacy is important to their ability to have an emotional or physical orgasm. “Intimacy” consists of all of the pleasurable moments with your mate that is not necessarily tied to having intercourse. While intimacy may lead to that, there shouldn’t be an expectation that it must. This may need to be communicated a few times to your partner and needs to be continually positively reinforced!
Most of you have probably heard the phrase, “Don’t invest and forget.” It’s often used to talk about how many people make financial investments and then somewhat neglect them as an ongoing, everyday priority. I think of relationships and intimacy that way, you can’t just “buy-in” to a relationship and then forget about it. It needs to be tended to and nourished. It needs to be a constant priority on our very long list of priorities. Many of us get distracted by life and our everyday issues as well as getting distracted by all the noise (of social media, the news, etc.).
Butwe need to prioritize intimacy. Intimacy keeps us connected, may lead to emotional orgasm or even physical sex! You’ve heard of “use it or lose it?” Well, what you’ll likely find is if you use it you will experience more of it!
So what is your perfect intimate moment? Here are a few that I recommend:
I know of a friend who always kisses her husband the moment he comes home from work, and if she is around when he leaves in the morning, she kisses him goodbye.
Who out there even greets their spouse when they come home each day? Many of us do not. Yes, there are so many SMALL YET IMPACTFUL ways to create intimacy and connectedness that don’t require sex.
For additional insights into what you can do to keep out of “roommate mode” and connect again with your mate, join us in our re-launched program, Sexual CPR!
Remember, age has nothing to do with having a fulfilling relationship with both intimacy and great sex.
Don’t invest and forget…just like with our finances, neglecting intimacy with our partner can result in significant loss and unhappiness!
Today I’m sharing one of my favorite healthy lunch recipes. It’s equal parts delicious and easy to make. My fellow avocado lovers will enjoy this Tuna and Mayonnaise Stuffed Avocado recipe. It’s the perfect fix for when you don’t want to spend a lot of time cooking but still need a nutritious, low carb meal.
Tuna and Mayonnaise Stuffed Avocado
MAKES 4 SERVINGS
P.S. If you’re dealing with common “V” issues...
Like vaginal dryness and discomfort during intercourse, you can typically turn to temporary topical treatments, like moisturizers and lubricants. Julva®, my anti-aging cream formulated for delicate skin is an excellent option!