Why I chose darkness on purpose This is one of the most intimate and soul‑shifting experiences I’ve ever shared. I chose to spend 92 hours—just under four full days—in absolute darkness. No screens, no phone, no books, no clock, no light. Just me, a cot, a tiny table, a shower, hot tea and simple meals passed through a light‑sealed box, and pure, uninterrupted night.
Key topics and timestamps (approximate)
00:00 – Why I chose a 4‑day dark retreat
02:45 – What a dark retreat is and how it’s set up
07:20 – The first 24 hours: restlessness, silence, and surrender
12:10 – Day 3 breakthroughs: vivid dreams, inner vision, deepest meditations
16:40 – Re‑entry: sunrise, sensation, and integration
18:55 – The Bali invitation: a sacred yes or a grounded no?
22:30 – Introducing Soul Math: my inner calculus for aligned decisions
27:15 – How I apply Soul Math to big life choices (and mothering)
32:40 – Presence vs. proximity: a message for caregivers
36:05 – A simple 4‑step way to try Soul Math yourself
40:10 – Where to get the Soul Math journal page
42:30 – Closing reflections and the next right yes
Why would I do this?
Because as a doctor and a mother, I make decisions that affect my daughters, my team, and my community. I wanted to deepen my integrity and my inner clarity. I wanted to sit with myself long enough to hear what’s true underneath the noise. I also had a big decision waiting for me: an invitation to speak in Bali—sacred to me since my healing journey in 2007—during my youngest daughter’s senior year. Was that invitation a grounded yes or a loving no?
This post is the fuller story behind the podcast episode: what a dark retreat really feels like, what I learned in the silence, and the decision‑making framework I now call Soul Math that helped me choose the next right step.
What a dark retreat really is (and isn’t)
If you’ve never heard of it, a dark retreat is exactly what it sounds like: several days in complete darkness. Practically, that meant:
A sealed room: no light leaks, no glow, no outside cues
Basic comforts: a cot, a small table and chair, a bathroom
A light‑sealed service box for tea and meals twice daily
No screens, devices, or reading—true sensory rest
You might expect fear. I expected some, too. But what I found wasn’t fear—it was space.
The first 24 hours: restlessness, silence, and surrender
The first evening was fidgety. My mind was used to stimuli—checking on my family, messages from my team, planning the next thing. Without inputs, there was a mental “detox.” I paced. I prayed. I breathed. I felt my body softening into the cot and noticed the subtle sounds of the room: airflow, my heartbeat, the little tones of my nervous system winding down.
I reached for structure: simple breath patterns, body scans, gentle stretching in the safety of darkness. I talked to God. I listened.
What happens on day 3 (the breakthroughs)
By the third day something shifted. I began to “see” without my eyes. My mind’s awareness painted the room in soft, luminous tones. My meditations went deeper than I’ve ever experienced—steady, rooted, whole. The dreams were vivid: multilayered, technicolor, symbolic, sometimes humorous (yes, I even dreamed I was trying to unlock my phone and then an iPad—my brain playing with the familiar even in the dark).
As a physician, I’m fascinated by what can happen in extended darkness. With the absence of light cues, circadian signaling can shift. Many people report deep rest, vivid dreams, and meditative clarity. I experienced a peaceful, creative mind that wasn’t grasping. My nervous system felt like it finally exhaled.
A small story that taught me a big lesson
On my way to the retreat, our plane had engine trouble and returned to the airport. What surprised me was the calm. No one yelled. No chaos. We waited for the next plane. That ease mirrored the retreat. I remembered: even when life shakes, I can be the still point—the ocean, not the waves; the eye of the storm.
Re‑entry: sunrise, sensation, and steak
After 92 hours, a gentle knock let me know it was sunrise. I stepped into the dawn and opened my eyes slowly. The world was crisp—layers of bird song, distant rooster calls, cool air on my skin, sunlight like warm honey. It was holy. And then—because I’m human—I found a nearby town, a quiet hotel, and ordered a steak after days of vegetarian meals. Integration includes joy, too.
The invitation I almost declined
Soon after, the invitation arrived: speak to a room of 40 high‑impact leaders in Ubud, Bali. Business class, aligned values, intimate and meaningful. The kind of event that could open new channels for my mission.
It was also a long trip—25 hours or more—and I had promised my youngest daughter I’d stay mostly grounded during her senior year. The easy answer was no. But the darkness had taught me to listen differently. What if this wasn’t a conflict? What if this invitation was actually an expression of my values: faith, service, and good stewardship?
That’s when my framework clicked into place.
Soul Math: my inner calculus for aligned decisions
I call it Soul Math. It isn’t a pros‑and‑cons list or a crowdsourced opinion. It’s an inner calculus for aligned, regenerative decisions—the kind that multiply your energy rather than fragment it.
My core Soul Math questions
Will this heal me?
Will this ripple outward to those I love and those I serve?
Can I say yes with love and not with guilt?
Will this make me a better mother, healer, and woman?
If the answers land as a peaceful expansion in my body—a lightness—I pay attention.
The Soul Math “equation” (playful)
Soul Math ≈ (healing + alignment + impact) × (presence felt × integrity lived) ÷ (energy cost + inner resistance)
If that “equation” results in a felt sense of your heart singing, it’s likely a Soul Math yes.
How I used Soul Math for Bali
- Healing: Bali is sacred ground in my own story. It nourishes me on a soul level.
Alignment: The event’s faith, fitness, and service values match mine.
Impact: One room of aligned leaders could multiply the reach of the message and the tools that help women.
Presence and integrity: Could I be present for my daughter while choosing this? Yes—with thoughtful design, clear communication, and specific bookends for us.
This wasn’t about people‑pleasing or proving. It was about a true, clean yes—the kind that makes you more whole when you return.
Presence vs. proximity (a message for caregivers)
Mothers (and caregivers), we often carry guilt, believing presence equals physical proximity. But presence is deeper. It’s about emotional certainty—the grounded, attuned, “I am with you” that kids can feel whether we’re on the couch next to them or on a video call between flights.
When my daughter sees me choose an aligned yes—not a reaction, not a scattered or guilty yes—she learns something vital: You can be loyal to those you love without abandoning yourself. You can choose wholeness and still be deeply present. That’s the legacy I want to leave.
Try Soul Math yourself: a simple 4‑step practice
Step 1: Create quiet
Turn off devices. Close your eyes. Breathe slowly for 3–5 minutes. Feel your feet.
Step 2: Ask the four questions
Will this heal me?
Will this ripple outward to those I love and those I serve?
Can I say yes with love, not guilt?
Will this make me a better version of who I’m called to be?
Step 3: Notice your body
Expansion or contraction? Ease or tension? A Soul Math yes often feels like lightness.
Step 4: Decide, then bless it
If it’s a yes, design it well. If it’s a no, honor it fully. Either way, choose from love.
I made a simple journal page to walk through Soul Math step by step. Download it at dranna.com/soulmath
What darkness taught me about light
Silence reveals what noise hides.
Rest isn’t optional for clarity; it’s the soil that clarity grows in.
Stillness is a skill, and it can be re‑learned.
Decisions made from integrity create their own energy—they give back.
A note on the physiology of darkness
While my experience is personal, there are interesting patterns many report in extended darkness:
Without light cues, circadian signaling can reset, often bringing deeper rest.
Some notice shifts in melatonin patterns with prolonged darkness.
Deep rest and sensory reduction can lead to vivid dream content and creative insights.
The nervous system can downshift from constant vigilance into regulation and repair.
My medical lens is curious about these patterns, but my mother’s heart is grateful for what the experience gave me: a quieter mind and a steadier inner compass.
What I brought home
I came home to the same life—same loved ones, same responsibilities—but with a different center of gravity. The noise is still there. The calendar still fills. But the inner stillness is easier to access. I don’t have to escape to find it; I can choose it in the middle of the day with three deep breaths and a hand on my heart.
Your turn
What decision in your life is asking for Soul Math right now? Something big—a move, a relationship, a job—or something small: a boundary, a yes you’ve been afraid to claim. Create a pocket of stillness and ask your four questions. You don’t need certainty. You need clarity. And clarity comes when your soul speaks louder than your fear.
Listen to the full episode
If this resonated, you’ll love the full podcast episode where I unpack the dreams, the meditations, the funny moments, and exactly how I applied Soul Math to my Bali decision. Listen to the full conversation on The Girlfriend Doctor Podcast—available on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, and YouTube. Then tell me: what’s your next right yes?
Key points Q&A
Q: What exactly is a dark retreat?
A: A period of time (in my case, 92 hours) in total darkness—no light, no screens, and minimal stimuli—to rest your senses and listen more deeply.
Q: Why did you do it?
A: To deepen clarity and integrity for big decisions as a mother, physician, and leader—and to reconnect with stillness beneath the noise.
Q: Was it scary?
A: Surprisingly, no. After the first day’s restlessness, I felt calm, creative, and deeply meditative.
Q: What did you experience on day 3?
A: Vivid dreams, profound meditation, and a felt sense of “seeing” internally. My nervous system felt like it exhaled.
Q: What is Soul Math?
A: A simple inner calculus for aligned decisions using four questions about healing, ripple effect, loving yes, and who I’m becoming.
Q: How do I use Soul Math?
A: Create quiet, ask the four questions, notice your body’s response (lightness vs. contraction), and choose from love.
Q: Did you say yes to Bali?
A: In the episode I share how I worked through it with Soul Math—listen to hear the full process and outcome.
Q: Where can I get the Soul Math journal page?
A: Download it here: dranna.com/soulmath
Q: Where can I listen to the full podcast?
A: Find The Girlfriend Doctor Podcast on Apple Podcasts, Spotify, or YouTube, and listen to “My 92 Hours Alone in Darkness.”
Enticing close If your soul has been whispering for quiet—or if a decision is tugging at you—this episode will meet you right where you are. Press play, breathe with me in the dark, and discover your next right yes.
